love

1 Corinthians 13: 1-8

If I speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

This kind of love is not the love you see in the movies. It is not the love you hear on the radio with all the pop singers and indie love rockers. This is not the brand of love that teenagers read about in book series or the kind of love that comes to us naturally.

I realize, that this kind of love is supernatural. It only comes from the one that is perfect, who makes every imperfect thing - perfect.

I so struggle with this. I do not love easily at times. I let self get in the way. I look out for myself, I envy others and what they have, I can be rude and prideful.

I am so thankful that Jesus has made my imperfect heart - perfect. His life in me, living in me, makes this type of supernatural love possible. I don't experience it daily. I don't even experience it hourly. I think though that is not because of Jesus. It is because of me. I get in the way. I believe that I have to do everything on my own. I trade the truth for a lie.

Jesus never lets me forget though. He reminds me. A text from a friend, letting me know she is thinking about me. A night of worship at my church for women only. A song, a verse from the Bible. All ways to gently remind me that I am not alone and what the true story is.

So very thankful.

an unexpected motivator

Today a friend of mine who happens to be a co-worker motivated me in a surprising way.  Although that was not her intention it I am so glad that she did because I sometimes lack motivation in the really important things of life.

She told me about a conversation that she and another co-worker had about me a few hours earlier that day.  In an effort to be very transparent even if it makes me look weak I’ll go into the details. My friend was saying how much she enjoyed working with me and the fellow coworker concurred but then said “I was really surprised because that’s not what I expected.”  “Some people think she didn’t do anything in class.” My friend (who I happened to just have met this year and work with all 8 hours of my day) was surprised and said “really? Why? I love it when she is in class with me and hate it when she is gone.” “Yeah, she must have gotten a really bad rap because of the people she worked” the other co – worker said.

I wasn’t discouraged in the slightest. That is the protection from the Holy Spirit. Last year, I would have heard that and felt downtrodden for the rest of the day. I would have tried so hard to prove myself worth by put on a show for anyone willing to watch.

Today though, I had a peace. I had a great sense of encouragement as I listened to a friend tell me how much she enjoyed working with me and how when I teach alongside her, it makes her day better. I also felt a swell of pride (in a good way) when I heard that the other co-worker realized that rumors had been wrong.

After she left and I sat and my desk and finished working on some projects that needed organizing. And as I worked I thought about all the things that she said. Their conversation about me motivated me in a surprising way. I wanted to work harder and I wanted to be someone that follows through on what she says. I always want that, but sometimes I forget why I want to be that kind of person. 

I am so thankful for that little bit of encouragement from the Lord today. To help me see the bigger picture and to help me know that I am cared for and valued by the people that I spend my day with.

Thank you Jesus, you are indeed such a good friend to me.

The kind of person I don't want to be...

I was reading this piece of scripture today and I am struggling with it.

 ^5{ But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and ^[a]without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind} James 1:5-6

I am struggling with it because I am lacking wisdom in so many different things. A lot of times I am on auto pilot with my life and it isn't until I am still before the Lord that I realize it. I seriously need wisdom from the Lord. All the time. 24/7. I forget to include him on things that I am struggling with. Both big and small.

And then in rides doubt. Isn't doubt so ugly? I think if doubt were a person, that person would be hard to see. He would be shifty and shady and not the kind of friend anyone wants to have. But doubt is present and takes many different forms. Sometimes I doubt that I am a good mama. Sometimes I doubt that I have what it takes. Sometimes I doubt heaven and I get scared of dying. Sometimes I doubt other people and their intentions.

But God tells us not to be that kind of person. The kind of person that goes before Him, asks him for wisdom and knowledge and then doubts it. He wants people that are trusting and faithful and reliable. And He already knows our flaws and what we have against us. And he loves us still.

I know that I am in a constant state of grace and mercy and those arrive new every single morning before I even open my eyes. Despite all that love and forgiveness that my Savior holds for me I still want to be the kind of person that strives to follow his word and live a life that points towards him.

I hope and pray that I can store that word up in my heart and continuously ask God for His wisdom and hold onto it instead of throwing it to the wind and thinking my way is better.

letting my heart shine

It is so easy to be consumed by this world we live in. It is so easy to make to do lists and hurry around the house or the mall or the office just trying to get things done. It is so easy for me to believe that I am the one that holds the key to my happiness. I am the one in the drivers seat that makes things happen (both good and bad) and that I am the one who at the end of the day deserves a good pat on the back.

Confession: I used to believe that. For a good 5 years I believed that. I had moments of glory and moments of failure and most of it I contributed to myself. I landed the job, I traveled to far away places, I lost the weight blah blah blah. I bought a car, I bought a house, I blah blah blah. You get the idea. I knew, I knew that it wasn't about me or what I could do but I had gotten so far gone that it seemed impossible to go back. So I continued to believe lies and feel guilty about it later.

Then this past summer it all stopped. I was tired. I needed to not be the one in the proverbial drivers seat anymore and not the one with all the to do lists. I needed someone else to help carry the burden of this thing we call "life" but I felt sort of hopeless.

Then Help came. I was no longer alone and no longer in charge and it felt wonderful. I felt the burden literally lifted off of me, taken away and discarded.

This is how it happened. A long story squeezed into a short version looks like this: I was sitting in church during worship with my heart of stone and I started telling the Lord everything that I was thinking and feeling. I told Him that I felt like I was alone. That I was empty. That I was selfish and fearful. That I didn't know if He would give me a second chance or if everything could go back to the way it was before. I reminded him of our days of old, of prayers and quiet times and Him sending me to far away places for His glory and not my own. And then I stopped.  And I asked him to give me a picture. I told him I was believing in faith that He could do that and I needed a picture of my future. Of the right now. To remind me that I am (despite my grand failures) a child of God and forever bound to Him.

The picture He gave me was so real and so true. The only way I can describe it is to ask you to imagine what it looks like when a woman cries and mascara runs down her face. Except it wasn't just my face. It was all of me. It was absolutely beautiful and I am so very thankful that God used that image to speak to me in a way that only I and Him could share. For the next 4-5 months every single time I gathered with a community of believers to worship that picture stayed in the front of my mind. I knew that He was presently at work in my heart and in my life so that all things could become new.

Disclaimer: every single day I mess up. I forget and I try to get in the driver's seat. I get mad when things do not go the way I would hope and I struggle to take a step back, hand God the key's and say " wherever you go, I go too." I love this life though. Life is SO much more exciting when it is placed in God's hands and when you get to enjoy it instead of just trying to manage it. I hope that I can do more enjoying and less managing every single day.