The kind of person I don't want to be...

I was reading this piece of scripture today and I am struggling with it.

 ^5{ But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and ^[a]without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind} James 1:5-6

I am struggling with it because I am lacking wisdom in so many different things. A lot of times I am on auto pilot with my life and it isn't until I am still before the Lord that I realize it. I seriously need wisdom from the Lord. All the time. 24/7. I forget to include him on things that I am struggling with. Both big and small.

And then in rides doubt. Isn't doubt so ugly? I think if doubt were a person, that person would be hard to see. He would be shifty and shady and not the kind of friend anyone wants to have. But doubt is present and takes many different forms. Sometimes I doubt that I am a good mama. Sometimes I doubt that I have what it takes. Sometimes I doubt heaven and I get scared of dying. Sometimes I doubt other people and their intentions.

But God tells us not to be that kind of person. The kind of person that goes before Him, asks him for wisdom and knowledge and then doubts it. He wants people that are trusting and faithful and reliable. And He already knows our flaws and what we have against us. And he loves us still.

I know that I am in a constant state of grace and mercy and those arrive new every single morning before I even open my eyes. Despite all that love and forgiveness that my Savior holds for me I still want to be the kind of person that strives to follow his word and live a life that points towards him.

I hope and pray that I can store that word up in my heart and continuously ask God for His wisdom and hold onto it instead of throwing it to the wind and thinking my way is better.